Today we meet with family psychologists who will teach us to solve conflicts and problems that arise in a young family.
Visiting the portalUAUA.infofamily psychologists andRoman Lipskyand today the topic of our conversation is family relations and children, how conflicts between mom and dad affect a child.
D.S.The birth of a child is a difficult period.for a young family. And in this complexity there is one not always obvious aspect - the birth of a child.gives a woman much more opportunity to demand somethingfrom spouse.
If earlier a husband and wife could live well and peacefully together, then with the birth of a child a woman begins to say: “And you owe me! Now you owe me exactly!". That is, if there used to be nuances, it was impossible to demand it directly, but now, with the birth of a child, we somehow have socially formed that it is necessary to demand something from a man - help in caring, caring, etc.
This moment is the cause of so many conflicts after the birth of a child. The difficulty is thatafter the birth of a child, a woman does not ask, does not ask for help, but requires. And often the relationship is spoiled because of this. Therefore, it would be correct to avoid deterioration of relations during this period, initiallya woman before the birth of the child to take responsibility for him, deal with a partner who owes what to whom and how you see your future life with the baby.
Because often,the pictures of the spouses do not match, my wife had fantasies that she would give birth to a child and dad would help her, and dad had a completely different idea, a different vision, and this should be taken into account.
It's great if dad wants to raise a child, but if he doesn't have that desire, then you should remember thatfather's love for a child wakes up much laterthan we would like, and that's fine. Therefore, it is not necessary to demand that dad start to love and care for the child right away,if you are missing some help, then you need to talk about it, ask, and not require, andtrack waiting mechanismsomething from a partner.
It happens thatwhen dad is not in the house, the woman copes with everything, and the child behaves perfectly, she has enough time for everything. As soon as a dad appears in sight, immediatelycause no resentmentand it is very necessary that he somehow helped you. That is, before that it was not necessary, but now it immediately became necessary, and this moment sometimes turns on automatically with us. ANDit's important to learn how to track itand learn to manage - many women lose sight of this moment and then it seems that life is worsening after birth.
It appears as if a social right to demand, and it is not only difficult to get rid of this, but even difficult to notice if you don’t think about it.
R.L.Having a baby is stressful for the whole family.and the whole environment of the child. A new man appears, he takes his boundaries and moves yours.
Sometimes the newlyweds, as it were, are preparing to be parents in advance, but in fact they are absolutely not ready for the appearance of a child. Womanmay get confused, do not know how to behave with the child, especially if he is the first. And at this moment she urgently needs the support of her husband.The problem is that it is very difficult for a woman to admit that she does not know what to do with a child and cannot cope with this role, andinstead of telling her husband about her worries, she’s angryinstead of asking the husband for help, the conflict begins.
Of course sometimeshusbands are not willing to helpbut sometimes justnobody says that their help is neededespecially if there is no dialogue in the family. Even harder ifin parent familiesit was not customary for husband and wife to talk on such topics, nobody asked for help from each other, andyoung parents have no experience of such communication. This is how a conflict begins, and a stressful situation begins, which is often resolved simply by dialogue.
Tell your husband: "TYou know, I’m scared with this child and I don’t understand what to do with it, I don’t know how to calm him down". Ask for help. The opposite situation - the child is crying, the wife is silent, the husband is in shock, because he does not know what to do. And he leaves to escape from this situation to his friends, to the street, to the courtyard, and the wife is offended that he left her alone with the child. Again the conflict.
Still, much depends on the parental family, on how young parents are able and willing to communicate with each other, they are not afraid to express their thoughts and emotions.
Read the interview with Daria Selivanova and Roman Lipsky: Family Relations: Causes of Conflicts between Husband and Wife
D.S.The question is very broad and it seems to me that it is important to remember that as long as a young family depends on grandparents, for example, you live together, they will influence you in any case, you depend on them, they will take part in your life. And your task isdraw boundaries: where your relationship with your parents as a child ends and the relationship begins as an adult who has a family. Of course, somewhere you can listen to mom's advice, but it is important to draw boundaries andyourself responsible for your family.
It is necessary to clearly understand where your life and your family are and where the parent family is.
R.L.Yes, it is necessary to distinguish literally from the first day, no matter how painfully painful it may be. Because the umbilical cord between adult children and their parents should be cut off, because the younger generation appears. And our grandparents with unspattered love for their children can choke their grandchildren with their love.If grandma and grandpa want to somehow influence their grandson - only through their parents. It is important not to forget that thisthe process of separation, delimitation, does not occur immediatelyhe can go for years. The gap will be painful for everyone, knocks out of the state of comfort, but it is necessary.
If the grandmother in the house is a conflict situation. Of course,compromise must beBut if the grandmother stays with the child, and the parents go to work, they come and receive the spoiled child - this is a payment for your lack of independence. Please rent an apartment and live with your family, and if you live in your grandmother's apartment, then understand what you are sacrificing, what you are going for, what compromise.
D.S.Up to a certain ageany problems and illnesses of children is always a reflection of parental conflicts. A small child depends on the emotional state of the mother, and if the mother does not feel emotionally, then the child also becomes anxious.
And, for example, three-year-old children believe that everything in the world is due to them and they are directly related to everything that happens. thereforeif dad and mom are arguing, the child thinks that the reason for these quarrels is he. As a result, anxiety increases in a child, various psychosomatic illnesses, fears, and other common children's problems may appear. Very rarely, the problems of children are not associated with any family situations.
R.L.Take age from 3 to 5 years, if children often get sick -in 80% of cases it is a psychosomatic reflection of the state of the family. There are always conflicts in the family, they should not be avoided, hushed up, hidden from children. Parents need to conflict with children so that they learn from adults how to do it right. But provided thatadults can do it right. Conflict always has toto buildon the manifestation of your feelingsand not insulting a partner. When you talk to your partner about your feelings, he begins to understand you, but behind insults there is a lot of unspoken. If you call a husband a goat with a child, then he has nothing to learn here.And if you say to your husband: “I’m offended that you did this,” then the child considers this scenario and understands how to properly conflict.Teach your child to negotiate from childhood by example..
If it will be easier for you, hit the dishes, this is normal, you let out anger, and if there is a lot of unspoken energy inside - this is much worse. Of course,assault in the family, children do not need to see, for fear in a child, various psychological problems, stuttering, fever, etc. can begin.Children are our reflection, they copy us, so adults need to be able to express resentment correctly.