Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

 

We continue the cycle of meetings with family psychologists who will help our readers to answer burning questions.: How to survive betrayal in the family, is it possible for a husband and wife to regain lost intimacy and contact, what to do if one of the partners has bad habits.

Visiting the portalUAUA.infofamily psychologistsDaria SelivanovaandRoman Lipsky.

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If one of the spouses cannot or does not want to overcome bad habits (smoking, drinking alcohol), this can also cause conflicts. How to act?

R.L.Smokers and alcoholics are addicted people.. These are chronic diseases and this is how they should be treated. Please note that your partner clearly smoked or had an addiction to alcohol when you were not married to him, butyou didn't want to see it. If he started smoking or drinking in a marriage, it also says a lot, it means you should pay attention to the problems in his family life that made him do it.

It is worth considering the following factor: if you are annoyed by the fact that your partner smokes, and earlier you didn’t pay attention to it, thenit is possible that the problem is not a bad habit, and in your relationship to your spouse. And soon, even if the husband quits smoking, you may not like something else: the toothbrush in the cup is wrong or the tube of toothpaste is not closed.

D.S.In any case, the partner who is not satisfied with the spouse with bad habits,it is necessary to understand yourself initially, to understand why it does not suit me, why I want to change it, what I did, in order to change it, and maybe I really need to change my partner, anddo not try to remake another person. Such efforts are always spent a lot of effort, and the output is a very small result.

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R.L.An example from own life. Being in my first marriage, I told my wife: “You will give birth to a son to me, and I will give up smoking!” She bore me a son, and I quit smoking. For exactly 9 months I did not smoke and during that time she never told me: “You are so well done that you quit smoking!” I deprived myself of the pleasure to smoke in companies, andin return received no returnI was offended and began to smoke further.And over 20 years have passed whenI gave up smoking myself.

Another cause of conflict may be sexual problems in one of the spouses or adultery. How to act in such situations?

R.L.If one of the spouses changes, most oftenhe is not satisfied with his second half. Unfortunately, there was no sex in the USSR, andno talk about sex with children. And now I rarely hear such conversations. The only thing you can hear is talk about condoms. And when such a sexually uneducated boy and girl meet, marry, and then something does not suit someone from the partners in sex -shame on this subject, to raise such a topic is problematic. The girl can still share with her mother, and the boys have a complete blockage. Also a wife or just another girl may accidentally say something about him, she, maybe, anddid not want to offend him, and the man already decides that the tragedy, he is some kind of bad, wrong. There is no one to share the problem with, she is silenced, and then, against this background, tragedies arise - even impotence.

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If we are talking about problems with sex in a young family, then they may arise due to the fact thatwoman after childbirth is tired and she is not up for sex. It is worth explaining to her husband: “Dear, I can’t, not because I don’t want you, but because I don’t have the strength. I'm so tired with the child, and now I’m not at all up to you. ” Often, if a wife refuses sex for her husband, there is something else besides fatigue, a sort of rejection of the man. And here the man turns on, that he is not like this, and wants to test himself as a male. The man is going “to the left” - everything is fine, he calmed down, confirmed that he is a cool guy and also “hoo”. And in this caseeither he returns to his wife, the family, and they continue to live peacefully together, or he stays where he is valued, they understand what he is. There, the situation can also happen again in a couple of years.

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D.S.Regarding treason, my clear feminine and professional position is thattreason is a crisis, and from any crisis there are always two ways. There is a way of destroying relationships, going into their complexes and fears and there is a way up, because betrayal is almost alwaysreason for positive changes in the family and their own personal development. Treason occurs where there is a crisis, manifested or not, it is good that it arose, and you saw it. Yes, this occasion is unpleasant, but I have a feeling that we in society have a lot of speculations on the subject of adultery and this event is given too much of some significance.I am not saying that this is wrong, and that this should not cause any emotions. Just a lot of experiences imposed by society and that partner, which changed and the partner who changed. Importantseparate their experiences from those in the social environment and go beyond this crisis. Treason - it can be an excellent reason for further development in relationships and further personal development. Yes, it is painful, but it is absolutely not a reason to lose the meaning of life at this event.

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R.L.Initially, when a married couple comes to therapy, if a betrayal has led them, after a series of questions, the psychologist will find outdo they want to live on, do they see the prospect of their future life together. Sometimes people come to a psychologist to cut, to end their family life. And if there is a desire for one or the couple as a whole, in order to somehow preserve the marriage, you need to release the offense, and then the person is already able to more soberly think and understand what he wants and in which direction he should move. In case of treasonblame does not lie on one partnerIt is important to understand what you both feel, and whether it is worth saving this marriage.

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Loss of intimacy, contact.Is it possible to revive feelings?

D.S.Loss of intimacy can only happen ifpeople stop talking. Either partners reallybecome not interesting to each otherand then there is simply no point in living further, or there are offenses that are not negotiated and people are moving away. This may be just such a family in which everything seems to be outwardly good and there are no conflicts, but there is no communication either. Learn to communicate.

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R.L.I would addthe problem may be in the loss of a common goal. When a family goes to a common goal, they are one, and whengoal achieved - intimacy is lost. For example, parents worked for a common goal - to send a child to study abroad. The child boarded the plane, flew away, and what should the parents do next? They lost a common goal, they have nothing to talk about with each other, and here we can talk about the loss of intimacy. Parents either have forgotten how to understand each other or they never knew how.Look for new goals, see how you can live in a new way, for yourself. But it is difficult, it is considered selfishness in our country.

How does the appearance of a child affect family relationships, whether conflicts between mom and dad affect the health of the baby, as well as who is in charge at home, the answers to these questions you will learn next time, 05/06/2014

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  • Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

    Husband and wife: the main causes of conflict and ways to resolve them

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